Bum Wine Taste Test

Think of this like a real cut-rate Consumer Reports-like piece or something, where Wizbang Pop puts the bum wines to the test here. Unlike quality wines which have a excellent grade flavor to savor, the bum wines hope to achieve just one thing, and one thing only, to get you shit faced drunk for a cheap price. Made out of the worst of cheap ingredients, major makers like Gallo don’t even really want to put their name on the bottle because they are so embarrassed to be blamed for one of these awful brands, some of which began to flourish right after prohibition was lifted and were marketed by radio ads to appeal to alcoholics in poor areas of town.

Sadly, Thunderbird by Gallo was especially marketed to have appeal in ghetto areas with a pathetic little radio jingle. “What’s the word? Thunderbird! How’s it sold? Good and cold. What’s the jive? Birds alive! What’s the price? Thirty twice!” – Of the the top five bum wines, Thunderbird is the hand’s down winner for bad taste. Further, the foul tasting brew will make your lips turn dark because of some chemical reaction due to the cheap chemicals and ingredients used in this low priced but high alcohol volume wine that’s 17.5% alcohol by volume. Not a good quality wine by any means at all.

Cisco is a somewhat better choice, if for taste only. It tastes better than Thunderbird by far. And  at 18% alcohol, it’s more potent by volume as well. This other outrageous bum wine comes in flavors that look too much like a kool-nightTrainNThunderbirdMD_2020Cisco WinesWildIrishRose-300x224ade-type product or even antifreeze would. In some poor skid row areas, some call this drink “liquid crack” because it leaves the user so messed up.

Wild Irish Rose is also from the same large winery that produces Cisco. Unlike Cisco, this brand doesn’t really mask it’s smell or flavor that is somewhat akin to rubbing alcohol according to some taste tests. At 18% alcohol and migraine inducing for some persons, this awful brew is only designed for one thing, and that’s to get you fucked up big time. Some critics of this witches’ concoction claim it might even be some “Republican” effort to kill off the homeless because it is such a malaligned and hated product by some.

Night Train Express was a subject of a song by Guns n’ Roses. But, try to resist that rock n’ roll hotel room hard drinking experience if you can. It  has a horrible chemical-like flavor that is somewhat masked only by flavorings making it a little less disagreeable than Thunderbird for example. It also has a laughable reputation for taking you on a drunken ride to complete drunkeness, yet some quality wine drinkers might just try it once it their life for the experience just to see what this horror ride is really like. All aboard?

MD 20/20 is sold in varieties that range from 13-18% alcohol by volume. In many ways, it is not quite as bad as the others, and a few nonalcoholic, nonbum types might even go against good judgement and try this low end wine sometime. But, resist that temptation unless you’re just looking to get screwed up big time.

So there you have it! The low down on these low brow brews. True wine lovers need not apply here. These are all decidedly low rent wines here….

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  • Thank you for checking, so we don’t have to!

    • Paul Hooson

      All in the name of good journalism, JL….