Ali and Roberto Break Up. In Other News, the Sun is Hot.

I’m starting to question my reality. You know when you have one of those days where everything is going along fine, and then you hear something so shocking, so utterly unbelievable that your world comes crashing down around you? Well today is not one of those days.

According to reports, our beloved made-in-heaven television couple—Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez—have gone their separate ways. Two years too late. I never saw this coming more than two years ago. I really thought that they had that real love that I only ever see on reality shows. I didn’t even watch their season of “The Bachelorette” but I didn’t have to. Their love was that strong. I could feel it in my living room when they showed up on the most recent season of “The Bachelorette” to give dating and relationship advice to horrible Ashley. They made it seem so easy. So effortless. If these two beautiful kids could show up on a reality television show and dispense timeless advice about lasting love, then how could their love not last? I’m starting to think this show and the Apollo moon landings were both scripted.

Personally, I’m not upset that they were actually spending time dating each other. This is vitally important when you meet someone and are engaged six weeks later and there is a camera shoved in your face the whole time. There are just things you need to find out about each other over time that you just can’t find out during four solo dates on television. Do you have a job? Is that your real hair? Will you murder me in my sleep and feed me to wild boar? All important questions to ask. I was never pushing for them to get married like the big Bachelor machine was. I just want the way hot Latin dude and the mousy-faced chick to have lots of blonde and tan babies. The world needs more of those.

Since they seemed so perfect together, I’m going to hazard a couple of guesses as to why things never worked out. Note: these are not the actual reasons they broke up, but I’m sure one of these has got to be close to the truth.

  • He’s addicted to Dungeons and Dragons. This part never made the show, but our boy Roberto is a HUGE fantasy board game player. When Ali would want him to spend time with her little scrunchy face, Roberto would be too busy rolling his 12-sided die in the basement of Donnie’s house trying to fight his way out of a castle. You don’t get to be a Level 12 Mage if you don’t put some time into it, Ali.
  • She’s really interested in someone else. After leaving her first season of the Bachelor early, and spending time dispensing advice on Bachelor Pad, Ali now realizes that the real man of her dreams is right in front of her eyes. Super dork Jake Pavelka. No really, it could happen. Ali’s totally into nerdy guys, he is definitely that. She likes to fly to exotic places—he used to be able to pilot a plane before he became a fame whore. He likes strange looking females like Vienna, she is weirdly pretty and much less crazy than Vienna. This could totally work!
  • They met on a television show. I know this is really weird, but when you meet someone for the first time on tv, date them on tv and are then released into the wild six weeks later, the success rate of your relationship is not going to be very high.  No really. I know that one couple has made it. So far. But Trista and Ryan Sutter are different people than the rest of us. I think they may be actual angels from heaven that are visiting us for a time to show us how to truly love each other and write poems to our mate while conceiving the world’s most beautiful children. Not a good comparison. Everyone else that has met on this cesspool of a reality show has crapped out. Except for the dentist and Mike’s ex-girlfriend on Bachelor Pad 2. Those kids are going to make it. Take a lesson, Ali and Roberto!

Sarah is a regular TV and movie writer at Celebutaunt and can be found on Twitter at @sarahquesera.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...