Monogamy challeneged Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend, and her name is Alyse Lahti Johnson.
Golfer Tiger Woods has a new piece in his life, and the above picture is Alyse Lahti Johnson’s sexy mug shot from her October 2010 DUI arrest. There is so much wrong here that I’m not even sure where to start. Despite losing a huge chunk of his sizeable fortune to ex-wife Elin Nordegren, Tiger is still freaking loaded. You’d think all that cash would allow him to walk the ho stroll in an upper class neighborhood, or at least earn him a pass into his local GoldDiggers-Mart. Judging from this photo, he instead went shopping at Meth Faces R Us. AND she’s rocking a DUI arrest? WINNING! Oh how the mighty have fallen. And personally, I freaking love it.
According to Radaronline, Alyse is just messing around with Tiger:
“She sent a BBM to a mutual friend of ours saying she didn’t consider herself Tiger’s girlfriend. They were just having a good time hooking up,” the source tells us. “That’s in keeping with Alyse’s personality, the source says. “She is a really nice girl, smart and super friendly. And she’s also a bit of a wild child. She definitely likes to have fun.”
Yes. The meth using, DUI getting girl is clearly “smart.” I guess she’s smarter than me if she’s managed to land someone with Tiger’s bank account. Fun fact – following Tiger’s divorce, my grandpa told me my new life plan should be as follows: Marry Tiger Woods. Divorce Tiger Woods. Make $100million. Alyse is messing with her stolen life plan (can I sue for some kind of plagiarism or something??) if she’s telling friends that she’s just “hooking up.” Homegirl needs to stay quiet, smile, and help Tiger satisfy his many animal needs.
As if Tiger wasn’t epically failing enough with this girl, PedoBear’s shady cousin has entered the picture. I feel like Chris Hansen is about to enter the room and tell someone to have a seat. Turns out, 35 year old Tiger has known 22 year old Alyse since she was a little girl. She’s the step-daughter of an executive at Tiger’s sports management company, and they were neighbors for years back in the day. She has always been a fan of Tiger’s, and (here’s the super creepy part) Alyse used to get out her box of crayolas and make him good luck drawings before tournaments. Yeah. Have a seat. Chris needs to discuss a few things with you.