Katie Holmes: Drugged Up (Wizbang Pop!)

Benevolent dictator Tom Cruise has ordained that his...uh...love-slave(?) Katie Holmes will get to have aaaaall the drugs she wants. When she's birthing the couple's spawn. Behold:

He had the birth perfectly planned. But it seems Tom Cruise may have forgotten one important factor. The mother.

Normally, I'd just stop right there...but to be fair...

His pregnant fiancée Katie Holmes is said to have been less than happy with his wish for a drug-free and scream-free delivery, as prescribed by his Scientology faith.

So the 43-year-old actor appears to have altered his ideal scenario.

Asked what Miss Holmes could have during the birth, he told US chat show host Diane Sawyer: "Whatever the woman wants. I'm not gonna tell Kate ... you know, if she needs an epidural, she's gonna get her epidural.

"And there's this whole thing that if she needs medicine, she needs medicine."

He explained the idea behind a silent birth. "It's basically just respecting the mother and helping to be quiet. Not the mother.

"The mother makes as much noise ... and people ... you know, she's going through it. She does what she's gotta do. OK?"

The interview then goes on to explain the struggles and personal growth that this baby-making thing has done for him:

The proud husband and father-to-be then settled back in his armchair as he described how time, commitment, and a deeply spiritual love had given him the strength to see Katie's inner beauty while looking past her jarring physical flaws: her disturbing lack of a penis, a near-total absence of chest hair, and the way her soft, jiggly body keeps swelling and shrinking and bloating and bleeding and expelling miniature versions of itself, like one of those alien monsters in the Species movies.

Alright, I stole that last part, but, just because I made it up, doesn't mean it isn't true.