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This Is The Night, Its a Beautiful Night...

Break out the flannel PJs, the salt-and-vinegar potato chips, your InStyle Guide To Bad Celebrity Outfits, and take your place on the couch, alongside our impossibly fabulous physique (and we mean that in the as little a gay cowboy way as possible). Its time to viciously mock stars that can't dress themselves, disagree violently with awards bestowed on movies that we'd never even heard of until the Family Research Council objected to it, and hope to the high heaven that either Scarlett Johanssen gets her impossibly-supported boobies groped a second time by Isaac Mizrahi or George Clooney suddenly develops a case of Darth Vader induced silence a la Admiral Ozzel (impressed I knew that, aren't you?).

We're about ready to cover the actual show. We're going to get more popcorn, you go to the bathroom. Back in a few.

8:00-- No stupid reworked song opening. ABC is doing well already.

Coffee flavored coke? Yuck. Coffee flavored Coke + JC Penney + GM = Disaster

The intro music sounds like "O Canada"

8:02-- The opening is pretty good: everyone refusing to host the Oscars except a sleeping Jon Stewart, who wakes up next to George Clooney in the first gay joke of the evening, of probably what, oen million? Le me guess, a Cheney shooting joke is next.

Mel Gibson is insane, or at least getting insane. Of course, we can't speak anything other than two sentences in French.

The opening monologue: Of course its an exciting night. Self-deprecating humor is less than attractive, and yes we understand lots of people are watching. The first joke goes againt the Democratic Party, and John Kerry (fundraisers and losing presidential candidates), which is better than anything Whoopi Goldberg could have come up with, though the crowd is less than impressed.

Face what you've done pirates! Barely enough fabric to cover themselves! Help the rich!

8:08--The audience is clearly worried about Stewarts next jokes. They don't like being picked on. Apparently, picking on George W. Bush is whats really important, not real jokes. Stewart now jabs at the MSM, but the joke isn't understood by the general audience.

"Bjork could not be here tonight, she was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her." Best joke EVER. Charlize Theron is the next target and she clearly deserves it becase she has a giant bridesmaid bow on her shoulder and its threatening to eat her face.

ACharlieze.jpg

8:11--Jon Stewart is never going to be invited back. He is absolutely hilarious. The audience doesn't quite know how to take him, since he is clearly poking fun at them, and at the movie industry in general, making certain to touch on their liberalism, the fact that they are sorely out of touch with everyone who doesn't live in Malibu, and the fact that EVERY western since the beginning of time has been ambigiously gay, so if they thought they were being original, it was only because the film was really short and poorly written. The audience is totally deflated.

8:16--Best Supporting Actor, Brokeback's first chance. We're hoping for Paul Giamatti.

The Oscar goes to...GEORGE CLOONEY. Screw that. He's still fat, though.

And the first obnoxious acceptance speech belongs to him, with an almost ridiculously contrived thing. Hes answering back at Jon Stewart, telling him that it's good to be out of touch with mainstream with the kind of drama we only usually expect from his performances (or don't). "When AIDS came out, we were proud to be on the front lines...When civil liberties were in question, we were THERE!" Uh...okay. If only that were true, and not just a momentary lapse of spotlight fever designed to make sure that there is nobody left in the country who believes that anyone in Hollywood has a sense of humor (of course, they cut to Jamie Foxx...Morgan Freemans seat filler was white).

8:24--Jon Stewart hits back. We ALL want what Clooney has...don't we.

8:26--King Kong gets visual effects Oscar. We're more concerned with the fact that everytime the camera pans the audience, about thirty people are Blackberrying. Come ON people. Its not THAT important. Congrats goes mostly to Ben Stillers green unitard, and Jon Stewarts talent at actually making up jokes.

Here's Reese...Animated Feature (the only category that doesn't have something gay in it, unless you count Wallace and Gromit--which we do NOT). Miyazaki is always deserving. Hopefully this goes to Nick Park or Tim Burton. Nick Parks entire studio burned down. The least we could do is a little gold...

Yay! Of course, we KNEW because Tim Burton was placed halfway to the street and in the middle of the row.

Naomi Watts has idolized Dolly Parton her whole life? Seriously? Who writes this? And who never noticed the irony of Dolly Parton singing a song about transsexuals? It seems almost to easy to us.

8:42--Owen Wilson clearly has trouble speaking English. Perhaps he should try something more conducive to his hairdo.

Live Action Short (don't worry, nobody else saw them, either): some movie named "Six Shooter." The gay jokes just get more and more tiresome. We can't even make them anymore. Also, this cute lilting music underneath the acceptance speeches is kind of annoying, though we are certain that they were going for dramatic Susan Lucci type moments. Not happening.

8:45--The first cheesy animated Oscar presenatation. Again, another award no one understands, "Short Animated Film." Nick Park once won this one, too, so perhaps these guys will be better next year...or the guy who does cartoons from the New Yorker will win.

Yep. "Sensitive vocal performances." This show is WAY too gay.

Jennifer Aniston forgot to comb her hair. The person accepting this random award is thanking people for making a movie about a woman. Ye GADS! Did they make a movie about a WOMAN?! Seriously?! There are WOMEN in this INDUSTRY?! Someone get them out QUICK! Or get them VACUUMS!

8:57--Will Farrell and Steve Carrell have at least harnessed some sense of humor for a momentary break in the seriousness. If only the eyebrows would stay, and somehow implant themselves onto George Clooney the next time he appears on stage, we'll totally be into it. Steve Carrell does not look half bad with those fake Charlie Chaplan eyelashes--and the first award to Chronicls of Narnia. Some of this is NOT gay.

Jon Stewart is NEVER getting asked back.

9:02--And now...the boring science awards. We need a bathroom break, but we hate to rob the nerds of their moment in the sun.

Morgan Freeman is having a hard time talking. That earring may be weighing him down. We understand. Staying sober through this whole thing is going to be very, very, very difficult.

Rachel Weisz wins the Best Supporting Actress, so far shutting out Brokeback, meaning that somewhere, the Will and Grace fan club is running for Kleenex, and Burberry is upping the monetary value of her new ads. Luckily, shes got a short speech, so they can save room for George Clooney later on.

People still drink Tab? Lauren Bacall isn't dead? This is a night of revelations!

9:12--Charlize Theron is being accused of 'hagging it up' by a Daily Show montage of political ads haranging the various Best Actress nominees. Dames For Truth is actually probably slightly more attractive than the Swiftboat Veterans for Truth.

What is with that guy whose name sounds like Terrance Trent D'Arby only more "cool" wearing that crazy brooch that looks like he stole it off of counter of the corner pawn shop. Did he just say that the US is like the Sudan for Hiroshima?! Congratulations for making the first nonsensical political statment of the night!

Is someone being genocidally murdered anywhere other than the silkworms being used to make all of the dresses this evening? Has Hollywood-out-of-touchness finally risen to the level of insanity only previously known by that guy locked in the basement on Desperate Housewives.

Next time, Charlize Theron should find a dress that fits. Being a hag in a move does not give you and automatic right to look like crap at the awards show. We thought the bow ruined the dress, but its probably even worse without the bow, because that would mean that the fabric was crashing down on the rest of the dress.

For everyone who was wondering, the UN treaty that will save Antarctica is the Kyoto Treaty. Take from that what you want, but seriously people, those third world countries and their insane labor aren't watching. And if they are, they are just wondering where they can get those stuffed penguins on the internet.

J.Lo has finally hit career suicide. With the nicest dress, but career suicide.

9:26--Apparently the only way to save the song from Crash was to set the stage on fire, like in a cheap Chuck Norris movie. When all else fails KILL SOMETHING! Maybe those mimes around the fire could e a human sacrifice to the gods to please stop this song.

9:33--Sandra Bullock looks like someone waxed her face.

9:36--Hollywood has never been afraid to challenge our belifes (ha!), and they subsequently need to apologise by presenting a giant montage of really "challenging" films that came around before Brokeback Moutain just in case it wins and nobody wants to see a movie ever again. Also, how is the Day After Tomorrow "challenging?" Did Al Gore write this?

Now we know what he's been doing since his cable network failed!

Apparently Sameul L. Jackson has done nothing since Shaft!.

9:41--Jon Stewart is never coming back. Also, nobody ever pats themselves on the back quite as much as Hollywood does.

Nobody.

And by the way, Hollywood does not want you to spend a ton of money on a home theater--you want to see movies in a theater. You want to see movies in a theater. You want to see movies in a theater. You will obey Hollywood. You will give us money.

Its actually almost sad at this point.

9:49--When did Salma Hayek start talking like the Swedish Chef? Her boobs are taking over her brain! And the stage, and her dress! They're escaping! Someone call Bruce Willis!

The second bash at the night against movie pirates. Perhaps someone should tell these people that nobodys a huge fan of actually going to the theater anymore. You heard the man, people DON'T SEE MOVIES AT HOME. GO TO A THEATER. And grow your moustache like Jake Gyllenhall, all gay and whatnot, and with no regard for that Sharper Image trimmer that would make it all even.

Actually, we, by consensus believe that Titanicwas better on DVD, because then we could crush it between our hands, and curse the day that Leonardo DiCaprio was born.

10:00--In case of a nuclear holocaust we would like to repopulate the Earth with Eric Bana, but Jessica Alba we hope will be hideously deformed to the point where her beauty is now below ours. Also, if Russel Crowe is left, that would be great. And, as of tonight, Jon Stewart.

Luckily sound editing is not gay. And if anyone isn't gay tonight, the fact that Meryl Streep is showing way too much of her breasts might eventually turn them gay. If they're male. If you are female, you are most certainly heterosexual right now. Also, these two appear to be on drugs, and not just because of their costumes, but because of the fact that everyone on Earth hates them, passionately, and wants them to please get off the stage...please, please, please, please...

They're probably members of that cult that the Supreme Court just authorized hallucinogenic tea for.

Again, please watch movies, America, or we don't get paid!

10:07--We certainly hope Robert Altman is getting an award, otherwise, we just re-watched Gosford Parkjust so that George Clooney can tell us not to buy movies from street vendors.

Luckily he is receiving the "honorary Oscar" which is like getting the "Miss Congeniality" award: always a bridesmaid and never a bride. Its a good night for bridesmaids: their dresses are everywhere. All Robert really wants to say is, I hope that this doesn't mean that I will never get nominated for anything ever again, because I was really hoping for a nod for that one that I have coming out this summer...

10:18--Chris "Ludacris" Bridges. He has a name! He's probably angry about that. Kinda ruins his image, being all clean and that.

How did this song get nominated? In a weird spasm caused by the strobe lights in which Academy executives decided that they wanted to be "hip" and "with it," and forlornly realized that Kanye West is not hard up enough for money yet to do music for movie theater ushers to clean by? Its so HARD for pimps! We should include a song about it.

This does, however, officially mark the first time that spandex pants have appeared on the Academy stage since Elizabeth Taylor stopped coming.

Darn! We were hoping that Crash would win so that the mimes would come out again, but pimp songs make good use of the five second delay. Wouldn't want to go a whole night without taking advantage of that. And the pimp cup.

10:27--In the bathroom for two seconds and we miss Jennifer Garner trip! And just when she had graduated from the Geek Oscars, too!

Without Ben, she is totally lost.

10:30--Good God, George Clooney again, introducing the In Memoriam segment, which, in the hands of Hollywood slowly devolves into one a sad wet tee-shirt contest--clap for the dead person you loved the most! And the rest of us go, "he died? Like, when? This year? I thought he died ages ago."

Poor Will Smith gets saddled with the task of presenting an Oscar for yet another category of films people who don't have permanent membership to museum film theaters. Perhaps the Academy thinks that if they mesmerize the television audience with his giant earrings they will forget that we are just waiting around to see if our Las Vegas bets paid off.

Apparently, Tim Curry shaved and is now from Africa.

10:42--The bad girl from Rush Hour II is all grown up and wearing sparkly black ceiling paint.

The guy accepting for Crash just said "42" under his breath, which makes us wonder if this is all becoming some sort of Douglas Adams style cover up, meant to lull us into a false sense of security before the mice and dolphins take over. Its plausible: they honored George Clooney for acting, and half of the accepting men are wearing Rivers Cuomos glasses.

What is with Heath Ledgers moustache? Does he think it makes him look straight? You know, its just too bad that Senator McCarthy actually caught Communists. Of course, no one is going to admit that, because it would mean that George Clooney is an idiot.

Its always nice to see guys win whos last starring role was opposite Jennifer Aniston and a blind ferret. You always want to pull for guys like that, particularly the ones who, if you passed them in an airport only your lame indie-rock friend who sees every movie because he has no life knows the body of work that Philip Seymour Hoffman has under his belt. His haircut and his blue taffeta-clad girlfriend alone should indicate how "underground" his acting career has been.

10:54--We take it back, if we are the last remaining surviors of a nuclear holocaust, we want to be left with Joaquin Phoenix.

John Travolta needs to lay off the hair color. Its not natural, though we suspect that it was at the urging of Scientology that he decided to use a Sharpie to color in his hairline. If for no other reason, people should oppose Scientology because it sucks all of the taste and self control out of its male followers and makes them look like Lego people, only the Lego people had coordinating outfits and they didn't talk.

Ugh. A half hour left.

Best Actress...Charlize Theron is actually uglier than Judi Dench and thats with makeup. That guy who starred opposte Keira should be nominated for hottest man alive. Okay, we're changing again. If we are the last survivor of nuclear holocaust, we want him.

Reese looks so nervous...YES! YES! But the acceptance speech is going on forever. Officially, its longer than Halle Berry's but not half as obnoxious, and self-important. She's coming across as sweet and loveable, and Joaquin Phonenix is so left out. And finally, a woman who didn't 'hag it up' for her performance, who actually ACTED in a movie has won. Perhaps all is not lost.

Oh wait...George Clooney again. Won't he just freaking go away?

11:07--In more exciting news, Spam has commercials.

Thank you, Captain Obvious Hoffman, we had NO IDEA how adapting a screenplay worked. We thought that they just totally made it up and then picked a random book off of the shelf in the library and named a movie after it. That always seemed like the quickest way to sell a movie, particularly if you were Charlie Kaufmann.

There is nothing worse than people who believe that they are too cool to wear tuxedo pants. At least Larry McMurty wore pants, even if they were blue jeans. Of course, it would have been funnier if he accepted an Oscar for best screenplay not wearing ANY pants, particularly for Brokeback.

Uma Thurman likes to move her head like a bobblehead doll rounding corners on a dashboard.

George Clooney didn't win for his fake Edward R. Murrow story! Its a Oscar Night MIRACLE! Its also an Oscar Night miracle that the head screenwriter for Crash's wife's boobs are staying in her dress. Perhaps he should play the lottery: lightening can strike twice, it can strike three times. Luckily he's making a plea for peace in his acceptance speech. Nobody at all likes peace, but we have to mention it; can't let the Miss America pagent have a monopoly on esoteric and superficial dreams for the world!

11:18--Stimulate the mind, but did they really entertain the audience? Ask the "audience" how many of them truly felt comfortable seeing Brokeback, and I guarantee that Best Director Ang Lee would not prove to be the highest on their list as "entertaining" directors. Thankfully, he's saving themselves by making lame jokes at his own expense.

Its really too bad that every other one of Ang Lee's movies sucked, because its nice to see hard workers win Oscars. Heck, he couldn't even make The Hulk with any kind of aptitude, let alone a movie about gay cowboys.

And here is the kicker...Best Picture

Gay cowboys...gay writers...racist cops...Communists...Munich.

And the winner is...

CRASH!!

Take THAT gay cowboys! Actually, they almost had boobies too. Janet Jackson does NOT have the lock on wardrobe malfunction.


All right...its been fun, but we have work tomorrow, and so do you, presumably, unless you work in Hollywood, or you're a blogger who can make money off of their site. Thanks to everyone who chose us over Camille Paglia, our writer, our publicist, our lawyer, our dog and most of all everyone who made this possible: Kevin, uh...Mac, the whole crew at American Princess and Wizbang Pop, John Stewart, to my guinea pig, that guy who made my burger right at McDonalds, those people who bag my groceries...my plastic shoe holder, all of my fans, and most of all, Chad Lowe. I couldn't have done it without you.

Good night, and good luck.

Pictures of celebirty arrivals are UNDER THE FOLD.


And, in case you were wondering, your host for the evening is Wizbang contributor E.M. and the "team" (my dog) generally from American Princess.

Ten minutes into E! and we already have a bad fashion moment! Somebody tell Giovanna Mezzogiorno that the Goth look disappeared along with Pete Dohertys sobriety.

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6:42 -- Keira Knightly looks beautiful with blonde hair, and her Bulgari necklace and Vera Wang gown are style, by definition. Picture to come when it comes down the wire.

Keira.jpg

6:50 -- In a rare moment of hysteria, we flipped to the NBC Nightly News, and found out what kind of amazing swag even the Oscar losers are going home with. Its sad. Free stuff for rich people (55,000 bucks worth of stuff, more than the Average American Salary). If anyone wants to send US a free stay at the Mirage, we'll gladly accept.

6:53 -- Ryan Seacrests cohost looks like Mya Rudolphs ugly sister. The Academy Awards are a lot like marriage: it starts out really exciting, and apparently (so we're told) gets very slow and boring, leaving the participants contemplating divorce. So far, the stars are staying away from Isaac, presumably because they do not want to be fondled. This relationship is starting out a little too slow for us to believe its going to be hot, but we're totally up for it.

7:00 -- Jessica Alba is wearing a gold halter gown, and her updo is well positioned. Someone is wearing soemthing that looks like they pinned a ton of unfinished pink silk onto their front end after they wrapped it 500 times around her waist.

Amy Adams, nominated for Junebug is sophisticated, though we would have left those brown ribbons at home, and if we were her stylist, we'd tell her to keep her dang hands out of her pockets.

AmyAdams.jpg

7:09 -- Mysterious ugly-dress woman is Naomi Watts. The dress is Givenchy, which makes us believe that we should have expected more. Givenchy made Audrey Hepburns wedding dresses. They totally should have done WAY better than that thing.

Dolly Parton looks like, well, Dolly Parton.

Dolly.jpg

Paul Giamatti is talking funny. Does he always talk like that? Like he got punched in the side of the face.

Helena Bonham Carter has Bride of Frankenstien hair, and a dress that we probably would have worn to our 1997 prom, had we gone to prom in 1997 and been forced to wear our ten-year-elder sisters bridesmaid dress.

BohnamCarter.jpg

7:14 -- Michelle Williams is wearing the most hideous yellow color. If she didn't have Heath Ledger we'd swear she'd never get a date with that sense of style, bordering on Chole Sevigny-type fashion issues.

MichelleW.jpg

Jessica Alba wears Christian Dior lipgloss (we have something in common!), and has a ladybug tattoo. Unfortunately, George Clooney looks very, very nice. Also, Applebees needs to get rid of the Gilligans Island themed shrimp commercials or we are NEVER eating there again.

WHAT IS WITH THE DRESSES WITH THE POCKETS? Could they have come up with a WORSE way to accentuate the fact that none of these females have any red carpet composure than to give them POCKETS in EVENING DRESSES? They all look like their waiting for a bus!

7:22 -- Philip Seymour Hoffman has promised to bark (like a dog) his acceptance speech. Please let him win. Please. Please. It would totally make up for the fact that we know Brokeback is going to win at least one. Heres hoping, too, that the Best Actress does not go to a woman who managed to do an entire movie without wearing makeup. We gave it up for Lent, and its NOT that hard: Reese truly deserves it. Maybe not best dressed, but the Oscar...

7:25-- Nicole is here but Keith Urban is not. She looks nice, hair is a little flyaway, but nice. Zhang Ziyi is positively beautiful. The lead actress from Crashis beautiful, but her dress, a yellow frilly number by Calvin Kelin is disturbingly fugly. Felicity Huffmans dress pushes her boobs down and bags on the side: bad move for a woman with such a beautiful body. Its not worth sacrficing composure for a chest that you could iron on.

Afelicity.jpg

7:30 -- George Clooney should have whitened his teeth. Doesn't he pay attention to those commercials where the woman turns the guy down because of his nasty yellow teeth? No wonder he lives with a pig.

Clooney.jpg

7:33-- Ryan Seacrest does not know what "idiosynchratic" means.

Reese looks beauiful. Her dress is probably vintage, we'll guess Chanel. The earrings and hairdo (a soft updo, pink pearl earrings), is well coordinated with her floorlength light pink gown with silver accents. Ryan Phillipe is very dapper. So far, this is the best couple of the night.

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7:42-- This is the first time that Philip Seymour Hoffman has ever gotten any respect from anyone. He's usually the guy that everyone sees and on the red carpet and goes, "I KNOW that guy." He should have cut his hair, but we'll excuse it. His girlfriends purple sash? Thats another story.

Finally! A picture of Naomi's disaster.

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Will and Jada, however, look polished, if a little boring.

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7:46--Compuslory picture of the guys from the accounting firm coming in on the red carpet. This is the biggest thing that every happens to accountants, we can only assume.

They really wish that they were with this lovely lady in her gold Versace. This is incredibly well constructed for a Versace:

Alba.jpg

7:52--About eight minutes from now, we'll go back to being normal adults and picking out which one of these dresses we plan on knocking off at someone summer wedding. Of course, we're being harsh. When the entertainment interveiwers start interviewing themselves, its about time to go inside.


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Comments (8)

As much as I would like to ... (Below threshold)
Dale:

As much as I would like to foddle Miss Johanssen's breasts as well, you won't see it happen tonight. From the article you linked to, "That doesn't mean she will avoid Mizrahi in the future -- though the question will be moot Sunday: She isn't going to the Oscars. Nor did she alert her managers to screen future contact with him or other interviewers."

Given the various films and... (Below threshold)
TR:

Given the various films and subject matter, is this the "March of the Pansies" theme this year? Fabulous!!!

I wish I could find the wor... (Below threshold)
Scrotumwound:

I wish I could find the words to describe how little I f*cking care about movie award shows. I like films as much as the next chump, but really, who cares about these silly-ass hollywood circle jerks?

The fact that they used Aar... (Below threshold)

The fact that they used Aaron Copeland to score that "Look how deep and challenging we are" montage hurts.

I am not watching tonight a... (Below threshold)
Mike:

I am not watching tonight as a personal boycott and because I hate what Hollywood has become.
I love your blogging tonight. Hillarious commentary. I give you a standing ovation.
Bless this blog!

EM, Oscar host 2007. You ar... (Below threshold)
John:

EM, Oscar host 2007. You are the pre-reincarnation of Ann Coulter.

Thanks, Em--Oscar needs sna... (Below threshold)
Beth:

Thanks, Em--Oscar needs snark, instead of praise and adulation. They're a bunch of asscrumbs.

I wouldn't care to see ANY of the movies, with the possible exception of Capote, and only because of Philip Seymour Hoffman.

What world do these filmmakers live in? And will there ever be a film that REAL America cares about that gets nominated? It doesn't have to be blockbuster, but can't it be something that isn't what moronic leftard Hollyweird shits out to give us, the unwashed masses, our Official Politically Correct Re-education?

lame indie-rock friend w... (Below threshold)
Beth:

lame indie-rock friend who sees every movie because he has no life knows the body of work that Philip Seymour Hoffman has under his belt.

Well, shit. I've definitely NOT seen every movie, but other than Capote (I DO NOT do theaters, Hollyweird! Ha!), I do know Philip Seymour Hoffman's work. Good stuff. I'm glad he won.


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